What a damn shame. Seriously.

What a damn shame that I'm writing in my xanga page instead of studying. But that is the story of my life.

Sitting on the exact same bed that I sat on 4 years ago after first moving to Washington.
the exact same bed that I cried my heart out into.
because i didn't want to be here. because I wanted to go back home. back to my friends.
because i hated washington. hated the people. hated everything about this place.
because tim pissed me off. because tim and i broke up. because i hated my parents.

When I read the letters that flew in from across seas, I was almost always sitting on this bed.
When I wrote back, I was almost always sitting on this bed.
Reading those letters now, idk. I just can't help but think, "what a damn shame."

What a damn shame that I never fully appreciated the friendships that I had. That I let them slowly but surely, one by one, fall beneath the oceans that separated us.
What a damn shame that I was so consumed with my emotions. my relationship with Tim. my life. that I never fully exerted the energy and attempt to maintain some of the most precious friendships that I will probably ever have. That I let the genuine ones slip through my fingers like it was nothing and held on to the ones that were just empty shells.
What a damn shame that I can't change anything about it. and that's just how life.

What a damn shame that you can't be close to everyone. that you will lose friends. that you will make friends. and that by the time you start to grow up. like we're growing up now. it won't be the inside jokes that drive you. it won't be about those irreplaceable midnight rendezvous fueled by something so much more precious than alcohol. it won't be about that one time at that one place that one tuesday night. it will no longer be a natural instinct to become close to the new people you meet. our minds will selfishly gear themselves to seek the benefit of networking. and if by the off rare chance that an actual friendship, one that holds as much meaning and sincerity as high school friendships did, sticks...thank the Lord. because as the years go by. it will only be natural. it will only be a part of life. that friendships will start to flake off. those that were the closest to you 5 years ago will shift their way into the outer circles of your network. or godforbid, disappear all together. Some acquaintances will never cross your mind again and the thing that will most likely drive friendships in and out of your inner core, from now in. will be alcohol. and weed. and jobs.

It will soon be about your couple close friends. If you have the blessing of that. and you will hold each other the closest to your heart.

It's hard and sad for me to realize. admit. embrace. that slowly. but surely. those that i thought were going to be glued to me forever. are peeling away. and I want to hold on. and I want to catch them. But I feel like it's a one way street. I feel like the wall that swimmers kick off of. and walls don't reach out and hold on. swimmers don't hold on to walls. And that is the hardest thing for me to admit. And the hardest thing for me to embrace. Should I let them go?

From the deepest of the deepest bottom of my heart... will it even matter?

I have just wasted an entire day doing seriously absolutely nothing. I'm so lazy, I can't bring myself to do anything. And it gets me thinking about stuff. everything, really. and tonight, my thoughts settled on the past. and the present. and the future. and comparing the three. and predicting the impossible.

The last two hours have been pretty devoted to one of those biannual trips back through my entire life that was posted on xanga for a couple years. I feel like I've made comments about this so many times before already but whatever. I'm surprised at how devoted everyone was to xangaing. and commenting. and how the fad eventually shifted over to myspace and then facebook. But xanga was so much more personal. It's a blog. You actually have to put the effort to keep it updated. And read about other people's updates. There's so much more thought involved. Our generation is so lazy now. So apathetic. So selfabsorbed. Myself included. And the reality of it makes me sad.

I've noticed the areas in which I've changed and the areas that I've stayed the same in. It's ridiculous how blind I was to the love that was being poured out to me. Even just reading back on xanga comments, seriously just xanga comments, that love is evident. and so. abundant. and overflowing. and yet, I was all depressed and stuck on how I couldn't get the words out right. or whatever the heck I was so worried about back then. that I took that love and let it empty through my bottomless selfish desire for more.

Despite my shortcomings, it's so encouraging to see and remember how so many people trusted me. came to me for help. support. love. And thinking about how much that filled me. How happy that made me. How much purpose that gave me. It's definitely one of the best feelings that I've come to know, as selfish as that is. I miss having this online connection with everyone through blogs, secret xangas, protected entries, etc. The power it had to make you feel so special. significant. and so much more in tune with everyone. There was such a popularity factor to this. And such an immaturity. But still, that's the beauty of it. That among all the popularity contests, the desires to be really close to this person, the process of starting that friendship online, going through fights online, reconciling online, writing with such a strong hidden motive to be understood. unique. cool. witty. real. whatever. Among all of that, friendships seriously did consummate themselves online and were brought to a level of such incredible trust and love. It's no wonder my whole life used to be online.

I really want to believe that it wasn't just because it was middle school/high school/the cool thing to do. That even in the midst of our teenage angst, we found some of the truest and greatest friendships in this lifetime. Friendships that were fueled by the actual desire to care for each other and be there for each other, no matter the cost. No matter the pain. Friendships that went through the good and bad and stayed strong. At least that's how I remember it was for me. How genuinely full of love I was for each and every one of my friends, in my group or not. And how much of an honor it was when that was returned.

I've never said this out loud before now... because it kills kill kills me to lose friends and one thing that still hasn't changed about me is my devotion to every one of my friendships, regardless of the frequency of communication or the quality, even ....but things are so different now. We're not in middle school anymore. Not in high school. Everyone's busy and so many things have changed. As sad as it is for me to admit, some of my friendships are not the same as they used to be. I don't truly feel as an essential part of my group of friends back home anymore. I hardly feel a part of it at all, actually. I don't know the stories. I'm apart from the inside jokes. I feel like the excitement that used to come with my returns is almost extinguished. The conversations are emptier. The silences are more awkward. The communication is more forced. I can't help but wonder why? Drifting is natural I guess, but still... the fault is on both sides and although the friendships aren't lost, it's just different. And that's unfortunate. Being reminded of how things used to be just brings on some waves of nostalgia. But that's dangerous because things aren't so terrible right now. And its not fair for me to do this anymore.

Such a long entry. I've always had difficulties in being concise. I guess its just crazy thinking about how fast time is passing by and thinking about how we're really growing up. I wanted out of high school but now that I'm in college, I miss high school. And now I want out of college already but I know I should make the most of it. We're coming to discover our passions. Our goals. And taking the necessary steps to achieve them. We're shaping our futures and beginning to hopefully understand who we truly are. What we believe in. And finding confidence in that. As our truest friends stick with us through all of these changes, we'll be picking our bridesmaids and groomsmen before we know it. The future is freaking the crap out of me and yet, I can't wait to see what it brings. I can't even begin to imagine what next year will be like because this last year, this summer, couldn't have been further from what I expected.

Ah, what am I babbling about?
My smile is genuine. My faith is strong. My support system is constant. & My dreams.hopes,identity. are grounded in God.
Life is good. (O=

(it wouldn't have been an Esther entry without a smiley in there somewhere, haha. (O= )

I dunno, frick. I'm tired, exhausted, sick. I don't even know where to begin. All I know is that I need to get it out. somehow. someway. Because this is all just literally eating me alive inside. And I feel like I have nowhere to go. Honestly, I feel trapped. And it's not such a nice feeling.

Was I always this insecure? I like to think that I wasn't. That I had confidence in my personality, if not anything. That I was truly a bubbly funloving girl that was able to love herself and everyone around her wholeheartedly. When did I get like this? When did I start this obsesion about my body? When did this uncomfortable. awkward. lost. mindset. get adopted as my own. Where did hell did I do? Because whoever the hell this is, I'm sick and tired of her. And I just honestly want her out.

I hate the way things bother me now. Things that, maybe always used to be there, but I never took notice to them, you know? Or at least, was capable of brushing it off and not caring enough to let it get to me. Ceybom is the greatest friend that I could have ever asked for. Not only is she one of the kindest, strongest, and most beautiful people, inside and out, that I've come into contact with, she's my sister. Seriously, she's my sister. And I cannot imagine going through each day without her encouragements. Silence is golden and so comfortable. We know each other so well that even if we try to hide our emotions or anything from each other, its impossible. I'm so grateful that I have a sister in christ to help me in my faith and vice versa. To me, truly, our friendship is a testimony of grace and love, and I am forever grateful and thankful for her.

That's why it scares the hell out of me when I know that no matter how many times I push it down or try to brush it off, this paragon of a perfect friendship is the root of a lot of my insecurities. And the most frustrating part is that all the blame is my own. And all the issues we've come to encounter this year was a result of my own stupid crap.

So what if she's gorgeous and all the guys fawn over her! You used to rejoice in that! You used to be so happy for her and proud, even, of having such a hot friend... So what if your personalities merge together? Are you guys really that different anyway? How come it never bothered you before? I just wish I didn't feel like my identity, my originiality, everything that made me me, was being stripped away just because my best friend and i are so similar and great together. Before, we both had an equal share of guys, you know? Well, its unfortunate that we have the same taste in guys because then it gets somewhat competitive, but somehow. by some miraculous reasons, I seemed to win during the first stretch of our friendship. God, shes such a greater person that I am. Cuz she handled that so much better than i could ever handle. But now. Now. I have no one. No one. At least before. Before when things were better. When my skin was still the shade of tree trunks and I was unique and comfortable in the shadow of my brother. At least, I heard from time to time affirmations. Regarding personality. looks. whatever. I hope that I was never cocky, but I know I used to have confidence before. I know I used to. Because what I am now is the absolute absence of it. And I hate it. I hate everything about it.

I try, I do. to boost my confidence. And just when I think things are getting better, I'm proven wrong. The smallest thing will cut me down again. Seriously. Like so we liked the same guy during the summer and he ended up liking her. a lot. and she ended up reciprocating, despite the fact that i was into him first. Whatever, it so doesnt even matter. but to be reminded of it again today, after i felt some of those old feelings rising again. it hurts and blows. to feel. so. . ugly. unwanted. ordinary. fat. whatever.

And then I feel like I don't belong anywhere. this is all so stupid. im so embarrased but hey, what the hell. who reads this crap anymore anyways. Where do I belong huh? With the hawaii kids? With the washington kids? with the christian kids? What the hell . . .I don't feel sufficient enough to belong anywhere to any of them.

I feel like I try to hard sometime and people notice. I've never really had a time in my life when I wasn't well liked by everyone. I'm not hated but I defnintely don't feel loved. I don't feel special in anyway whatsoever, no matter how many unique things I feel like I have. Guitar? Snowboarding? Longboarding? Piano? I llovelovelove all these things but lately ive been thinking. am idoing all these things for the wrong reason? am i trying to impress people? what the hell? when did that concept ever enter my life?

Seriously, where did I go?

Reading my old xanga entries, it makes me... i dont even know how to describe the abundance and mixture of emotions that overwhelm me. I read about a time in my life when I was so caught up in the high school world that my only concerns were the quality and quantity of comments on this thing. When I was so happy. so undescribably. ridiculously. happy. cuz of my friends and everything they are to me. that no one and nothing could ever bring me down. A time in my life when my family life was the farthest thing from what it should be and what it thankfully is now. A time when I actually hated them for simply caring and looking out for me. The nature of unconditional love still amazes me. A time in my life when I was without passion. without hope. without desire. without friends. A time in my life when my whole life was surrounded around him. A time in my life when i was on fire for God.

Where am I now? I feel like the only way out of this hole. This hole where i feel like everyones judging and I cannot be appealing or likeable to anyone because the girlfriends I surround myself with are always just so much better. I feel like there is no one out there for me because even if they got to know me for me, ceyboms always better. Always. =/ I miss the days when I didn't worry about this. I don't even remember what it feels like to truly feel beautiful. =/ And that. is the most depressing thing I've ever said. i hate it. I really do. I want to get out of here. There's so many freaking connections. Everyone knows everyone here. There's no escape. There's no place for me to start a brand new page. I realize I had that opportunity when I first moved. and I've embraced it and right now, it's backfiring on me. it's killing me inside having everything about me thats worthy of even noticing being shot down because someone else has it to. or someone else is trying to imitate it. or someone just wont leave me alone to be me. it's impossible and i need to get out for a while. i do. is that selfish? im being so completely transparent right now, its terrifying.

... and on top of all this. A day still doesn't go by where I still don't think about you. UGH. I am so frustrated with myself. . WHY, am I still thinking about you? WHY am I waiting for the day that you will return and WHY do I have to keep checking your facebook to find out as much as I can. This is borderline creepy and obsesive but I can't seem to help it and it's not only frustrating but scaring me to death. I thought I was over you. (I so am though). But what the hell does all this mean then? i know I might need closure but the way that I'm acting, I feel like I'm almost waiting for something you know? Almost hoping. HOPING. that every minute. every second. every lovethoughtword. didn't go to waste. and that somehow. just maybe. we are actually meant to be together in the very end. Jesus Christ. I've never admitted that before because. that's impossible. and the moment I walked out of your life, my life finally began. But in the moments when I feel like I have no one. No one will ever see me in Ceybom. Marissa. Jess'. shadow. No one will take the time to care. When I feel the farthest thing from beautiful. and the lowest I've ever felt about myself. I think of you and how you sincerely cared and loved me with your entire heart, genuinely not caring about what I looked or wore. I feel bad I didn't put as much effort as I should have in taking care of myself for you. But remembering the quality of your love. our love. is such a beautiful idea. such a hopeful dream. that i can't seem to let go of. Because honestly, I don't know if I'll ever find that again. I pray that I do. But as of right now, ive been so distant with God and in my faith, i'm just a down spiraling storm of hopelessness and vulnerability.

UGH. I just want the good times to come back and for me to be me again. I know it'll come. I just wish it'd come sooner.